Jadi ya, belakangan ini segala hal sudah kembali normal. Tapi, ngga lebih dari 1 jam yg lalu, gua mengacaukan keadaan. Yeah setelah awal yang menyenangkan, pertengahan yg amat baik, gua membuat akhir yang buruk. Parah. Gua marah sama seseorang, karena kesalahan yang secara ga langsung dia lakukan. Mungkin kenyataannya kesalahan itu ga pernah dia lakuin, cuma dalam benak gue, mungkin. Mungkin ini bukan tentang apa yang terjadi tapi semuanya tentang apa yang gue pikirkan. Sejujurnya, ini lebih ke apa yang gua takutkan. Yayaya, mungkin gua cuma ngerasa takut akan sesuatu dan dengan sangat tidak bertanggung jawab gua merasa itu salah orang lain. Iya, secara eksplisit gua melimpahkan kesalahan sama orang lain kan? Hhhh jahat ya? Jahat abis.
Bahkan orang yang bersangkutan udah berusaha minta maaf sama gua. Pertama, gue tinggal. Kedua, gue jutekin. Ketiga, smsnya ga gua bales. Aaaaaaaaaah jahat banget sih ya gue :'( Bukannya seharusnya gua maafin? Atau bahkan minta maaf balik, karena kesalahan yang sebenernya nihil ini cuma ada di otak gua. Iya, itu seharusnya. Tapi coba lo jadi gua, rasanya tenang banget ada orang yang bisa jadi kambing hitam. Ah fark tega banget gua.
Mungkin ini saat dimana otak gua bener-bener ga tahan sama semua keadaan yg ada. Too much pressure :( Gua udah ada di titik jenuh semua masalah. Kebayang ga sih lo lagi ulangan semester, masih banyak tugas semester yg belum beres, lo harus ngurusin kerjaan anak2 sekelas sebagai tanggung jawab pengurus kelas, lo dicuekin, dan lo punya masalah pribadi. Such a living hell tau ngga, capek bener bener capek sama semuanya. Bahkan puluhan jam yg gua lewatin sama temen2 gua buat ketawa2, ga cukup buat nge-refresh otak gua.
Ini bukan masalah Smanti, atau SMA ga enak, atau apa. Gua suka masuk smanti, walau terlalu banyak tekanan disana-sini. Gua jalanin tanggung jawab gua semampunya, gua selalu belajar sampe begadang setiap ada ulangan. Sekarang apa? Bahkan gua males belajar buat UAS, gua gatau dimana yg salah karena semuanya terlihat sama. Sama-sama salah, serba salah. Dan sekeras apapun gua belajar, ulangan-ulangan itu tetep susah. F-u-c---
Oke, itu semua yg ada di otak gua. Kalau ada yg baca, ga usah komentar apa-apa.
Showing posts with label Inside my heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Inside my heart. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
I'm doing trashtalking
I bring some news! Both of good and bad.
...... Hang on, I wanna greet you first, my readers (I wish I had).
Hello, friends! I hope everything is going fine with you. I'm fine here :)
Okay, let's end that shitty bullshit. I don't want to talk like shit further. Actually, I'm not really fine.
Seems like I got something on my heart, my mind, even my throat. Something like a stone but hot. It's maybe a stone which is being burned. It so much disturbs me.
It's something that I can't share with anyone, even my closest friend. Because, I do not know what is exactly going on me. Aaaaaaaaaargh words aren't enough to explain my feelings.
Lemme take the example. Yesterday, I felt hurt, seemed there was pain. My life was full of pain. And unfortunately, I didn't know the reason why I felt the pain. So, what did I have to tell? It wasn't because I wanted to keep that secret for myself but I had nothing to tell.
Something I be like that, I know I'm not fine but there is no reason.
In case, my mood swings in every single minute. Or maybe second. Well, it's too hyper.
What I wanna do is just shout, scream, and cry. And laugh, and smile. Somewhat insane. You know what, these things really make me fed up. I am fed up more than like crazy. More likely I'm dying.
I..... I know this is so bad. While I'm thinkin' about this, I lose my concentration. I can't perfectly focus on studying.
I'm afraid it will ruin all my life. Well, not that amazing. If I just know the reason, I can end up this problem. But right now, I don't know. So, what am I going to end up? Nothing.
There was something really broke my heart somedays ago. My best friend was trying to cheat on me. I know her a lot and I also know when she lies on me. I guess, I'm totally dissapointed with her. I thought we were friend, but, what do you think? Maybe you were pretending that we were friend. Hhh I don't really care for you, dude.
Everything is just messed up lately. Not only me, messed with the balance of things, they did. Also.
I guess I got to move on another thing. Well, guess whaaaaaaat, my scores are getting a lot better than before :D It's a very good progress. I want to chase for PMDK. I need my scores to increase again and again, I can't let them fall even only once. And keep reading, this is even much better!
My scores keep increasing while the-smartest-person-on-my-class's are decreasing. I wish I could look him afterward. Woops, did I mention him? Well, this is the weakness of English, I cannot hide the gender. Then, my mom and dad already agreed with my plan to enter medical faculty. I told you, being a doctor is my biggest dream<3
Well, that's the end of this post. See ya on the next one, bye :)
...... Hang on, I wanna greet you first, my readers (I wish I had).
Hello, friends! I hope everything is going fine with you. I'm fine here :)
Okay, let's end that shitty bullshit. I don't want to talk like shit further. Actually, I'm not really fine.
Seems like I got something on my heart, my mind, even my throat. Something like a stone but hot. It's maybe a stone which is being burned. It so much disturbs me.
It's something that I can't share with anyone, even my closest friend. Because, I do not know what is exactly going on me. Aaaaaaaaaargh words aren't enough to explain my feelings.
Lemme take the example. Yesterday, I felt hurt, seemed there was pain. My life was full of pain. And unfortunately, I didn't know the reason why I felt the pain. So, what did I have to tell? It wasn't because I wanted to keep that secret for myself but I had nothing to tell.
Something I be like that, I know I'm not fine but there is no reason.
In case, my mood swings in every single minute. Or maybe second. Well, it's too hyper.
What I wanna do is just shout, scream, and cry. And laugh, and smile. Somewhat insane. You know what, these things really make me fed up. I am fed up more than like crazy. More likely I'm dying.
I..... I know this is so bad. While I'm thinkin' about this, I lose my concentration. I can't perfectly focus on studying.
I'm afraid it will ruin all my life. Well, not that amazing. If I just know the reason, I can end up this problem. But right now, I don't know. So, what am I going to end up? Nothing.
There was something really broke my heart somedays ago. My best friend was trying to cheat on me. I know her a lot and I also know when she lies on me. I guess, I'm totally dissapointed with her. I thought we were friend, but, what do you think? Maybe you were pretending that we were friend. Hhh I don't really care for you, dude.
Everything is just messed up lately. Not only me, messed with the balance of things, they did. Also.
I guess I got to move on another thing. Well, guess whaaaaaaat, my scores are getting a lot better than before :D It's a very good progress. I want to chase for PMDK. I need my scores to increase again and again, I can't let them fall even only once. And keep reading, this is even much better!
My scores keep increasing while the-smartest-person-on-my-class's are decreasing. I wish I could look him afterward. Woops, did I mention him? Well, this is the weakness of English, I cannot hide the gender. Then, my mom and dad already agreed with my plan to enter medical faculty. I told you, being a doctor is my biggest dream<3
Well, that's the end of this post. See ya on the next one, bye :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Every cloud has a silver lining :)
I named this post 'every cloud has a silver lining' yeah it's an idiomatic expression. It means 'every problem has the way out' :) There are a lot of other idiomatic expressions I've just learned on LIA but I love to quote this one.
P.S, I'm in the mood for writing long post hehe.
Well, somebody told me : Yang terbaik adalah jalani hari ini dengan gembira dan esok dengan harapan. So I feel happy today and stay a hope for tomorrow, feel happy tomorrow and keep my hope for the day after tomorrow. And I'm much better now, not only after hearing that statement of course haha.
Waktu itu gua ngeluh masih kangen temen" SMP, padahal sebenernya banyak orang" yg se-perasaan sama gua tapi mereka berusaha buat deket sm temen" SMA-nya. Walau sebenernya mereka masih pengen balik ke junior school mereka tetap berusaha have fun. I have to be like that, I have to enjoy my current life. High school is not bad at all, I get much fun everyday.
Dan gua juga ngeluh tentang sekolah gua yg ribet, banyak aturan, banyak tugas, ulangan mulu, gurunya nyebelin, jarang libur, dan yg buruk-buruk lainnya. Bener deh yg namanya good outside and not that good inside. Jadi diluar gua bangga pake seragam ber-badge Smanti. Di dalam, stres berat. Oke itu lebay hahaha tapi gua kesel sama tugas"nya yg kadang ga mikir, ulangannya yg gila"an, dan guru" yg suka bikin ga mood. Padahal seharusnya gua bersyukur. Kata guru BK gua, "500 orang lebih ditolak di sekolah ini dan 224 orang yang diterima adalah orang-orang terpilih. Kalian yg sekarang duduk disini adalah yg terbaik". Gua sadar banget gimana susahnya ngedapetin itu sekolah. Waktu-waktu tes adalah saat dimana gua bener" stress to the max.
Malah ya, waktu itu hari pertama tes di Smanti dan gua udah mau mati gara" soal IPA-nya yg hampir 35% PG jawabnya asal dan esay nya mengarang bebas. Dan lo harus tau nomor 1 esay IPA yg bener" melekat di otak gua adalah soal gerak dan itu adalah pelajaran gua sekarang. Shit ngga sih anak SMP dikasih begituan -_- Bahasa Indonesia wasn't so bad and I could survive even with doubt and fears :( Di rumah gua bilang ke nyokap kemungkinan besar ngga diterima dan langsung mempertimbangkan sekolah reguler, Sma Negeri 5.
Hari kedua seinget gua IPS dan B.Inggris. OH mati aja itu IPS ya bangsat abis bener" mematikan harapan gua masuk Smanti ): gila aja ditanya" sejarah India rrrwr -_- B.Inggris nya lumayan. Sampe di rumah langsung hopeless. The last day, math. Ini lebih lebih lebih parah sangat parah. Harus tau gua menghabiskan hampir sejam buat esay dan pengawasnya udah teriak" nyuruh ngumpulin sementara gua masih stres. Bagus banget. Yeah but it's the moment when I felt happy, sad, hopeless, and annoyed at the same time without being crazy hahaha then waited for the result was very horrible :(
The first result was satisfying, I got a chance to continue to the second test, speaking and interviews. They weren't bad and I could pass it well. I put a big hope there <3 And after that, what I and many others had to do just stay cool waiting for the final result. Dan gua masih sangat ingat, waktu itu gua baru pulang nginep sm Oji Della Soraya Assa di Rumah Sutera. Tanggal 11 juni. Dan udah deg-degan nunggu hasil tes sbi yg bakal diumumin tanggal 12 Juni.
Harus tau, jam 7 malem tanggal 11 gua dpt sms, "Hasil tes udah keluar, website smanti" gua bener-bener langsung kabur dari lantai atas ke bawah, nyalain komputer dan komputernya nge-lag sementara gua udah mules penasaran. Dan kebuka, 224 names written there. Gua baca dari nomor 1 dan gua liat nama" yg gua kenal, diterima disana. Akhirnya nomor 19, KHAIRUNNISA PUTRI KANHIDA (0910056). Gua langsung jerit" dan nyokap langsung sms sepupu", bokap ngasih selamet. Tapi Fyi, rasa seneng yg gua rasain setelah diterima ngga sebesar yg gua rasain waktu lulus seleksi akademis. Alhamdulillah.
Tapi tapi tapi, ngga semudah itu sekolah di smanti. Masa tiap abis materi (materi, bukan bab) ada kuis. Awalnya kuis yg gua pikir itu semacam cerdas cermat, numpulin poin gitu, ngga, kuis yg dimaksud adalah ulangan. Bedanya, judulnya kuis. Mau tau nilai kuis mate gua yg pertama? 27. Sejelek-jeleknya nilai juga ngga pernah segitu kali, pathetic banget. Udah gitu setiap bulan dibagiin kartu nilai. Sebut aja rapot. Harus di-paraf ortu rwrr udah gitu kalo remedialnya diatas 5 ortu dipanggil :( Udah gitu ngasih tugas suka ngga mikir, sebagian besar tugas mate gua ngga bisa dikerjain. Alhasil gua memilih dateng pagi dan minta diajarin Zaki, minta diajarin loh ngga nyontek. Nyontek mah kalo udah mepet hahaha terus gua jadi mikir, kelas 10 aja udah gitu, gimana kelas 12? Apa jangan-jangan gua ngga bisa ikut UAN nih entar, keburu gila pas kelas 11 -__-
Sekarang sih alhamdulillah udah cukup terbiasa sama pelajaran SMA, terbiasa setres -_- jadi kalo ngga ngerti guru nerangin mah udah biasa, makanya guru harus sabar nerangin materi 2-3 kali hahaha
Terus gua juga ngeluh tentang LIA nih, materi nya agak gimana yaaa, ribet. Bukan agak sih, banget. Gua jadi males gitu LIA, tapi kalo gua engga lia ya makin bego deh gua. Gua juga ngga mau menyia-nyiakan beasiswa gua, bukan krn gua les pake beasiswa makanya jadi males. Kata Mita harusnya gua bersyukur dapet beasiswa sampe 4 kali sedangkan dia ngga pernah. Itu sih dia aja yg levelnya ketinggian, dia masih SMP udah di level orang kuliahan kali hahaha kalo selevel sm gua juga pasti dia outstanding ;P
Dan waktu kapan gitu juga gua bermasalah sama temen gua sampe gua ngamuk di note FB dan gua tau itu ngga nyelesein masalah. Akhirnya gua mencoba jujur sm orgnya dan, taraaaaaa! The problem solved! Dan akhiornya juga semua balik kaya semula, I love happy ending hahaha.
*Take a long breath* Tired writing this long post.
I'm gonna conclude this post :) I've been having lotta problems and so far each of my problems has its way out. I'll try not to complain about every problems especially silly problems up. I'm gonna face it and look for the way out. Yeah hopefully I can pass it :) Now, I welcome my colorful high school life! I'm not gonna fall of any problem anymore and I'll try to get over every problems without anger or tears. Everything has its bright side, even problems <3
P.S, I'm in the mood for writing long post hehe.
Well, somebody told me : Yang terbaik adalah jalani hari ini dengan gembira dan esok dengan harapan. So I feel happy today and stay a hope for tomorrow, feel happy tomorrow and keep my hope for the day after tomorrow. And I'm much better now, not only after hearing that statement of course haha.
Waktu itu gua ngeluh masih kangen temen" SMP, padahal sebenernya banyak orang" yg se-perasaan sama gua tapi mereka berusaha buat deket sm temen" SMA-nya. Walau sebenernya mereka masih pengen balik ke junior school mereka tetap berusaha have fun. I have to be like that, I have to enjoy my current life. High school is not bad at all, I get much fun everyday.
Dan gua juga ngeluh tentang sekolah gua yg ribet, banyak aturan, banyak tugas, ulangan mulu, gurunya nyebelin, jarang libur, dan yg buruk-buruk lainnya. Bener deh yg namanya good outside and not that good inside. Jadi diluar gua bangga pake seragam ber-badge Smanti. Di dalam, stres berat. Oke itu lebay hahaha tapi gua kesel sama tugas"nya yg kadang ga mikir, ulangannya yg gila"an, dan guru" yg suka bikin ga mood. Padahal seharusnya gua bersyukur. Kata guru BK gua, "500 orang lebih ditolak di sekolah ini dan 224 orang yang diterima adalah orang-orang terpilih. Kalian yg sekarang duduk disini adalah yg terbaik". Gua sadar banget gimana susahnya ngedapetin itu sekolah. Waktu-waktu tes adalah saat dimana gua bener" stress to the max.
Malah ya, waktu itu hari pertama tes di Smanti dan gua udah mau mati gara" soal IPA-nya yg hampir 35% PG jawabnya asal dan esay nya mengarang bebas. Dan lo harus tau nomor 1 esay IPA yg bener" melekat di otak gua adalah soal gerak dan itu adalah pelajaran gua sekarang. Shit ngga sih anak SMP dikasih begituan -_- Bahasa Indonesia wasn't so bad and I could survive even with doubt and fears :( Di rumah gua bilang ke nyokap kemungkinan besar ngga diterima dan langsung mempertimbangkan sekolah reguler, Sma Negeri 5.
Hari kedua seinget gua IPS dan B.Inggris. OH mati aja itu IPS ya bangsat abis bener" mematikan harapan gua masuk Smanti ): gila aja ditanya" sejarah India rrrwr -_- B.Inggris nya lumayan. Sampe di rumah langsung hopeless. The last day, math. Ini lebih lebih lebih parah sangat parah. Harus tau gua menghabiskan hampir sejam buat esay dan pengawasnya udah teriak" nyuruh ngumpulin sementara gua masih stres. Bagus banget. Yeah but it's the moment when I felt happy, sad, hopeless, and annoyed at the same time without being crazy hahaha then waited for the result was very horrible :(
The first result was satisfying, I got a chance to continue to the second test, speaking and interviews. They weren't bad and I could pass it well. I put a big hope there <3 And after that, what I and many others had to do just stay cool waiting for the final result. Dan gua masih sangat ingat, waktu itu gua baru pulang nginep sm Oji Della Soraya Assa di Rumah Sutera. Tanggal 11 juni. Dan udah deg-degan nunggu hasil tes sbi yg bakal diumumin tanggal 12 Juni.
Harus tau, jam 7 malem tanggal 11 gua dpt sms, "Hasil tes udah keluar, website smanti" gua bener-bener langsung kabur dari lantai atas ke bawah, nyalain komputer dan komputernya nge-lag sementara gua udah mules penasaran. Dan kebuka, 224 names written there. Gua baca dari nomor 1 dan gua liat nama" yg gua kenal, diterima disana. Akhirnya nomor 19, KHAIRUNNISA PUTRI KANHIDA (0910056). Gua langsung jerit" dan nyokap langsung sms sepupu", bokap ngasih selamet. Tapi Fyi, rasa seneng yg gua rasain setelah diterima ngga sebesar yg gua rasain waktu lulus seleksi akademis. Alhamdulillah.
Tapi tapi tapi, ngga semudah itu sekolah di smanti. Masa tiap abis materi (materi, bukan bab) ada kuis. Awalnya kuis yg gua pikir itu semacam cerdas cermat, numpulin poin gitu, ngga, kuis yg dimaksud adalah ulangan. Bedanya, judulnya kuis. Mau tau nilai kuis mate gua yg pertama? 27. Sejelek-jeleknya nilai juga ngga pernah segitu kali, pathetic banget. Udah gitu setiap bulan dibagiin kartu nilai. Sebut aja rapot. Harus di-paraf ortu rwrr udah gitu kalo remedialnya diatas 5 ortu dipanggil :( Udah gitu ngasih tugas suka ngga mikir, sebagian besar tugas mate gua ngga bisa dikerjain. Alhasil gua memilih dateng pagi dan minta diajarin Zaki, minta diajarin loh ngga nyontek. Nyontek mah kalo udah mepet hahaha terus gua jadi mikir, kelas 10 aja udah gitu, gimana kelas 12? Apa jangan-jangan gua ngga bisa ikut UAN nih entar, keburu gila pas kelas 11 -__-
Sekarang sih alhamdulillah udah cukup terbiasa sama pelajaran SMA, terbiasa setres -_- jadi kalo ngga ngerti guru nerangin mah udah biasa, makanya guru harus sabar nerangin materi 2-3 kali hahaha
Terus gua juga ngeluh tentang LIA nih, materi nya agak gimana yaaa, ribet. Bukan agak sih, banget. Gua jadi males gitu LIA, tapi kalo gua engga lia ya makin bego deh gua. Gua juga ngga mau menyia-nyiakan beasiswa gua, bukan krn gua les pake beasiswa makanya jadi males. Kata Mita harusnya gua bersyukur dapet beasiswa sampe 4 kali sedangkan dia ngga pernah. Itu sih dia aja yg levelnya ketinggian, dia masih SMP udah di level orang kuliahan kali hahaha kalo selevel sm gua juga pasti dia outstanding ;P
Dan waktu kapan gitu juga gua bermasalah sama temen gua sampe gua ngamuk di note FB dan gua tau itu ngga nyelesein masalah. Akhirnya gua mencoba jujur sm orgnya dan, taraaaaaa! The problem solved! Dan akhiornya juga semua balik kaya semula, I love happy ending hahaha.
*Take a long breath* Tired writing this long post.
I'm gonna conclude this post :) I've been having lotta problems and so far each of my problems has its way out. I'll try not to complain about every problems especially silly problems up. I'm gonna face it and look for the way out. Yeah hopefully I can pass it :) Now, I welcome my colorful high school life! I'm not gonna fall of any problem anymore and I'll try to get over every problems without anger or tears. Everything has its bright side, even problems <3
Saturday, October 3, 2009
What should I named it.....
I found myself as a different kind of person lately.
Seriously, I think I can't find the old me whenever I see my reflection anymore. It's not a lot of changes, it's just me that realizing what's currently going on with myself. I'm not as strong as before, you can say it a bit more fragile. I don't know whether it's because I'm not in junior school anymore (a half of my soul was there) and I don't think that is the reason. Must be a real excuse.
My life goes like usual and I just let it flow. I don't lose those smiles, laughs, loves, and even sadness. I have more time to hang out with my friends. Although there are many hws now, I'm definitely sure the main problem isn't about homework :P
I now have lotta classmates that always make my days. Thousands of their jokes invent thousand of my laughs. Same with I had in 9C. There were no days without laugh. Hmmm why did those thousands of smiles make me much happy but now, more than thousands of smiles everyday aren't enough. Wait wait, maybe I'm greedy now! (evil smirk)
Or maybe those smiles are balanced with sadness now. I was far with sadness and almost never cried. Hmm yes I faced some problems lately but I think I've passed it successfully :D I like school, and I really truly hope I will find much happiness in my school. School and family are sources of happiness. But if you're sure, happiness can be found anywhere. I'm sure <3
Well, this post was only nonsense. I just wrote what I thought. This is unimportant hahaha
Seriously, I think I can't find the old me whenever I see my reflection anymore. It's not a lot of changes, it's just me that realizing what's currently going on with myself. I'm not as strong as before, you can say it a bit more fragile. I don't know whether it's because I'm not in junior school anymore (a half of my soul was there) and I don't think that is the reason. Must be a real excuse.
My life goes like usual and I just let it flow. I don't lose those smiles, laughs, loves, and even sadness. I have more time to hang out with my friends. Although there are many hws now, I'm definitely sure the main problem isn't about homework :P
I now have lotta classmates that always make my days. Thousands of their jokes invent thousand of my laughs. Same with I had in 9C. There were no days without laugh. Hmmm why did those thousands of smiles make me much happy but now, more than thousands of smiles everyday aren't enough. Wait wait, maybe I'm greedy now! (evil smirk)
Or maybe those smiles are balanced with sadness now. I was far with sadness and almost never cried. Hmm yes I faced some problems lately but I think I've passed it successfully :D I like school, and I really truly hope I will find much happiness in my school. School and family are sources of happiness. But if you're sure, happiness can be found anywhere. I'm sure <3
Well, this post was only nonsense. I just wrote what I thought. This is unimportant hahaha
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